America good. Rest of the world BAAAD!

There is a sublime sense of fulfillment I get out of watching Americans get tortured. No No No, I have not joined the Taliban or the Pentagon, it’s just after traveling the small byways and highways of this planet I’ve found that, with the possible exception of Germans, American are the rudest people on the face of the earth. Knowing full well that an entire economy is based on their dollars, I’ve seen Americans haggle over set prices for things like socks and sweets bought on a corner store. The economic difference to us is the difference between a dime and a quarter, but we Americans fight as though it would break our banks to give a little more. Plus we are a nervous and scared bunch. We wont ride the trains, drink the water, talk to the natives, or even shake people’s hands. It’s hilarious when a native person invites an American into their house and the American is afraid of the gesture. AFRAID! These fears seem totally unjustified and so we must construct proper reasons to be terrified of other human beings who simply don’t live as we do. And that’s where a good old fashion horror flick comes in.

Continuing in the new tradition of Hostel, an excellent play on words as well as movie, Turistas gives the American tourist a reason to “Take the Plane” to the tropical remote destination in rather than “the Bus’ with the common people. I don’t want to give away too much of the film but let’s just say when vindictive organ harvesting is at the heart of a plot (Pun intended), the movie can’t be all bad. The first three quarters of the film read as a post-colonial exposition on indigenous rage, but the last part of the film functions as the vindication of white male hertronormativity, with the lead Caucasian male worrywart taking up his role as hero most valiantly. Luckily, we had a brief foray into the old American myth of the cocaine crazed negro about halfway through the movie, which is always a funtime for me.

More thriller than horror flick Turistas doesn’t match the true joy that was Hostel (20,000 to kill an American, 15,000 for a Canadian, 10,000 for the Japanese), but it does function as a great guard rail for middle American fears of cross oceanic flights and inter-continental bus rides. Written in the crimson blood of infinitely rapeable white women and their cognitively deficient male counterparts are the words “Stupid Americans Stay out! We don’t want you here!” Let’s hope we’ve taken the time to study up on the native tongue.