Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Wanted: Assimilated Negress

Black (or some derivation of) woman who is fully assimilated into the dominant culture. Most likely you straighten your hair, hold a master’s level or higher degree in a field other than business administration, and are often confused for a Caucasian on the phone. No doubt ghetto people frighten you, you’ve summered in the Hamptons, the vineyard…or anywhere else. You know the difference between polenta and grits, orzo and long-grain rice, spaghetti and angel hair pasta. Even better you appreciate a merlot or Syrah but are confused by fourteen inch rims and platinum grills. Basketballs are confusing to you but at some point in your life you’ve played tennis, lacrosse ,soccer or field hockey. And you were good! You were raised playing some classical instrument and most likely all of your boyfriends have been white or Indian. You’ve spent sometime over seas but only in the most cosmopolitan places, London, Paris, Prague, maybe Nairobi. All your friends are white, Mexican, Thai, Chinese, Indian, or mixed. You are always the only black girl in the group. You have no ass, at least, not for a black girl. Or if you do, you are ashamed of it. You don’t know what grape soda tastes like and you don’t see what’s so bad about Marin county.

You beautiful woman you, I want to dirty naughty things to you.
I am a black geek. I’m a hairy gym frequenter who, like you went to boarding schools and Ivy league institutions, but unlike you I rebelled. Not into the waiting arms of hood mentality, but into comic books, sci-fi, and target practice. The result is a viciously smart creative subaltern po mo negro with great aim and the flirting skills of a freshmen in college (Wanna hump?) Like a wounded cub who strayed too far from the pack, I now realize my place is back with the suburban negroes. I want in. Help me to re-assimilate and I promise you some of the freakiest physical delights your whitewashed ass can handle…and some it can’t.

Dead serious


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Word! I met this dude who was all "my phone can't handle people like you". I'm like well fuck an iphone, then, it can't handle none of my friends, either! -eyeofthetigress

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure where you're going with this.

I live in London so perhaps Black American women are different but as a Black women born in London of Bajan parentage I have natural hair, I have a degree, I would for a Black organisation which encourages ethnic minorities to engage in politics and I have white, Mexican, Thai, Chinese, Indian, mixed African and Caribbean friends - So tell me is that a good thing or bad thing??
And I have a Big Ass!!

But I don't know the difference between polenta and grits, orzo and long-grain rice, spaghetti and angel hair pasta...lol

2:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, i know all that shit and can throw back a grape soda with the best of them. i got it ALL baby. you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl.


7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh no you didn't


check this shit out.
played cello and lacrosse.
i can tell apart all my pasta.
my hair is locked but long and blows in the wind.
icon, xmen, n stuff.
viongier or dry reisling.
my friends look like the UN.
my middle name is "the only one in the room."

but baby,
any woman worth her salt, is gonna make you wax your back.


8:04 PM  
Blogger michael a. gonzales said...

just one question...why you got my girl cree up there? she's mine!

8:22 PM  
Blogger The Tortured Soul said...

Wow!!! You called? I'm working on the degree but damn I never knew there was a man out there that could 'get' me. I have had grape soda and sour cream-n-onion chips too, what a treat!!!LOL

4:59 PM  
Blogger No. said...

word up!

9:18 AM  

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