Friday, December 21, 2007

Uncle Ruckus' Favorite Christmas Songs

(IS SOME PRETTY WHITE WHITE SKIN)Lyrics by Gary Anthony Williams
Music by Nick Jameson
When I wake up Christmas day
I hope all my cares done faded away
All I want Christmas
Is some pretty white skin.
Pretty please Jesus Christ,
Make my skin 'bout as white as converted rice
All I want Christmas Is some pretty white skin.
White presents wrapped up in pretty white paper
Underneath the Christmas tree Lord want you take a hint from that
And wrap up poor black me (in white!)
Jesus won't you fix my mess
And cure this curse of negro-ness
All I want Christmas
Is some pretty white skin.
White skin, snow white skin
I'm alabaster, my friend
White skin, snow white skin
Ain't no club I can't get in.
Can't you see me walkin' round the 'fluent part of town
Telling all the black folk to leave. (Scram Darkie!) Baby don't you think, I'm pretty in pink?
It's the greatest gift any colored man can receive.
You can have yo Jangle Bells
And yo Fa La La and yo Ho's as well
All I want Christmas
Is some pretty white skin
Is some pretty white skin
Is some pretty white skin

CHRISTMAS IS FOR CHILDREN(especially if they white)
Christmas ain’t for grown folk
No sir, they all had their turn.
They stood underneath that mistletoe
They watched the yule logs burn.

Every mama every papa,
Who’ve seen the reindeer’s flight,
They know Christmas is for children
Especially if they’re white.

Merry christmas white children
On that blessed Christmas morn
Wasn’t no Negro in the crowd there
When that li’l white boy was born

Merry Christmas white children
May all your dreams come true
Christ didn’t die for the coloreds
His blood was shed for you.

Snow-swept lanes and sweet mint candies
Red ribbons all around
Choo choo trains and dolls and dandies
It’s all wasted on the brown

Presents wrapped in Christmas colors
Overfowing Santa’s sack
This is only for white chilren
Not them un-damn-grateful blacks

Merry christmas white children
On that blessed crhistmas morn
Wasn’t no Negro in the crowd there
When that li’l white boy was born

Merry Christmas white children
May all your dreams come true
Let them have they February
Cause December’s just for you

Thursday, December 20, 2007

And ya'll think I'm out of pocket? aka, maybe I should write for the new york post

1st off, Peace out Ike. Shouldn't have beat Tina like that man, but you was an r and b cat when r and be meant rhythm and blues, and god knows you had both.
2nd off, for this headline, and a thousand others, the New york post needs to just lay down and die. I hear all these fourth estate cats lamenting real journalism. To them I know say simple "If you care so much about journalism, how come you never say shit about the New York post?" This is just some sad bullshit. Actual headline people, I'm not making this up.

News Home

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The 'Net and the Arithmetic Rise of the Cyber Bitch

The Internet is great for a lot of things: purchasing books, looking at porn, getting directions, rudimentary research, and figuring out where a movie is playing. But what seems to be the primary mission of the ‘Net is to produce a legion of cyber-bitches. You know of whom I’m speaking. These cyber-bitches usually sign their names “anonymous” after writing something racist, misogynistic, or just plain stupid. The ‘Net has succeeded only in allowing the proliferation of these digi-cowards. You have to be real bitch-made to use the anonymous option when the ‘Net is already a continent of anonymity. You are removed from the sound of your words, from your intended audience, and from the actual writing itself—you are more connected to your words via pen and paper than typing on a keyboard—so why would you try to hide any further? It’s a facet of loser-dom that is damn near impossible to comprehend. What are you so afraid of?

If you doubt me, take a look at the comments section on any news agency’s site. Hell, check out any site where any idiot can post. For every piece of intelligent commentary, there are a dozen comments from “anonymous” posting things like, “first, bitches”, or “you have cheeseburgers?” or baleful quips like, “kill all niggers,” or “fist that bitch.” You’re kidding, right?
If you cannot stand by your words, do not present them in any fashion. Not audibly or typographically. Our world is in too precarious a spot for the cyber-bitches to be allowed to continue wasting our most precious resources: time, attention, and synapses.

I challenge all of you to sign your shit. In the 21st century there is no reason for people to hide under the aegis of anonymity. This early in our new aeon, we have to hold each other (and ourselves) accountable for all our collective multimedia bullshit. Otherwise, we’ll be continuing to traverse the same pothole filled superhighway of the previous century.

Don’t be afraid to stand by your words, thoughts, or beliefs. If you want to use the word “nigger” or say something as stupid as the commentator on my post about PK/FR, own that shit. Stop being a punk.

People want to say that the ‘Net is our highest form of representative democracy. If this is the case, another Asian Tsunami and another Katrina should wipe us out for our hubris. Shit, I’ll be the brother with the tattoos, shaved head and muscles doing the rain dance.

Stop being so damn cowardly or I’ll make it my life’s work to short-circuit all of you cyber-bitches.

Word is digital-bond.

Shawn Taylor

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

First and foremost, all praise due to the honorable Aaron McGruder…

Most dopest of the ill afrogeeks this side of the main man Tricky, giving much honor and praise to his geekonomics, flipping the script from small time tracer to big money making adult swim cartoon making Boondocks with much alternablackness for the masses.

And with this respect and praise questions and concerns regarding the future of the above stated project, offered in the most non haterade sipping manner imaginable. To wit I ask simply:

Are there way more “niggers” in this season of the Boondocks, or is that just me? I mean I’m just saying. An occasional nigger here, nigger there I can’t complain about. Shit, I love it. But it seems like every other word out of Riley’s mouth these days is Nigger. No, No I’m not on that old Paul Mooney, we can’t say nigger anymore(Sorry Paul, I love you like that uncle that wont bail you out of jail but will put $10 on your commissary so you can get some toothpaste but I can’t back your call on that one), but it is a little disturbing when Riley talks like some old hood cats on the corner and nobody pops him one in the jaw.
Maybe its just the shift, I swear I don’t remember him being so nigger-centric last season. He was all “You that’s kind of gay” for damn near everything. I don’t know what to make of it. Plus we got Ruckus, who is like my inner monologue whenever I have to ride public transport and have low blood sugar. And while I understand the comic genius of Ruckus, to be honest, sometimes he hurts. For instance when he is trying to get the Nigger out of Tom, who had been possessed, he brought with him the things niggers are scared of; a Billy club, a whip, a noose(I may be making that one up), and a job application. For real man, a job application? That’s fucked up. Plus when they were all beating on Tom…I don’t know, it was near when all the Jenna 6 shit was going down, maybe I was just sensitive, but it wasn’t humorous to me.
And as usual, with all black comedy I find myself thinking what I hate to think, I wonder what white people are saying about this. And not that any artist should live in fear of their audience, unless of course they have the tendency to enslave people, but I know that I don’t talk about the Boondocks with the White kids that I work with. At the same time I make sure to dialogue with the black kids I work with when something problematic comes on. I’m not on some PMRC angles on this, I like the show, it should stay on, but I’m wondering about the Dave Chapelle effect here.
Dave left his show, not because he was high assholes, and not because he had a nervous breakdown, cracker mcCracker, but because he had an internal boundary about what he was willing to do to make ,people laugh. When he felt seduced to cross that boundary he felt it was time to go. I have mad respect for Dave Chapelle for that, and I guess I wonder if Mr. Mcgruder is feeling any of those similar pangs, respectfully.

If anyone has done a Nigger count on the Boondocks, please send in the numbers. Otherwise I’ll start mine, at least on the last season.

America is evil, just ask the Canadians

My solution to the TV writer’s strike is to do what I usually due, find alternative sources of pleasure. Like reading. But it was in my copious amounts of comic book reading that I saw reference to a Canadian TV show called Intelligence. I’ve had good luck with Canadians and television; I fully admit to thinking Degrassi junior high was one of the best shows on the planet. So I gave it a shot. And like a black tar junkie who just found some Cambodian brown brown, I was hooked. Such a tight show. And it features a hot black woman who isn’t married to a white dude! No offense to all the black women married to white dudes who read this post, or he white dudes themselves.

The basic premise revolves around two characters, one the kind of the Toronto weed trade (White guy), and the head of the organized crime division who is about to be made head of Canada’s new intelligence service (Black woman). Canada believes that it can no longer rely on the C.I.A and other foreign intelligence services to serve their best interest. Her idea is to use high powered underworld folks as her primary sources of intelligence. Folks can earn so long as she gets her information. Maybe the show is a little too talky for the average American, or Canadian for that matter, I hear the show was canceled as of this season, but I found it refreshingly smart, balanced, and provocative. Plus Max Headroom is in it. Oh such a later post, but what the fuck happened to Max Headroom? Where’s that DVD box set?
Perhaps the best praise I can give the show is that it is the natural heir of another, perhaps the best espionage television program ever. Again, not produced in the U.S. I’m referring of course to the Sandbaggers. Understand, I have sex with other TV shows, but I make love to the Sandbaggers. It’s a cold war British espionage show that basically makes James bond look like Captain America on crank. It is a highly cerebral dialogue heavy show that speaks with authority about what it would be like to actually run a secret service for a country. Sadly the weight of bureaucracy weighs these spies down more than watches that can shoot lasers or shoes that allow them to walk on walls. Some nimrod tried to get me to watch the new British spy show Mi-5, and I almost had a restraining order placed against me. The sandbaggers is the cold war writ for the small screen. Intelligence is the dismemberment of the intelligence community post the invasion of Iraq. While budget problems don’t seem to be hampering the Canadians, American business interest (and the C.I.A.) do. And not to give too much away but one could make the argument by the series finale that everything would have been fine if it weren’t for the damn Americans.
So if you’re hungry for tele-visual stimulus, have an affinity for the covertly crafty side of things, and have a big hate on for Christmas cheer, torrent your ass some Intelligence, or Netflix you some Sandbaggers.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

For all you muggles out there

This is the only solid track on Kala. And before you accuse the kid of sipping on the haterade, I was down for the chick back in the Piracy funds terrorism days. And I still think that's the tightest all around project with her voice on it. Everything on Amazon was done better on Piracy. As for Kala, the only reason people are jizzing on it is because they felt bad for sleeping on Amazon. But this track, for teh Clash sample and this video for the B-boys doing their thing, and for MIA being real on it and saying straight up she just wants to jack you (us) for the money, for all that, I'll give this track some love.

The life of an Afrogeek monk

I’m contemplating it. Not the lack of sex, to hell with that noise. I’m just saying I’ve been spending way too much time thinking about everyone but the Me, myself and I. The turntables, drum machine and Korg have dust on them, the novel looks like the last forgotten pile of detritus on a forgotten planet headed for the blazing sun of obscurity, and the death pangs of my brain reverberate with the sadness of the ancients. “I’m a hustla Homie, you a customer, cronie.” That used to be my line. But I keep linking up with folios who do not have the hustler spirit in them and as a result feel mine getting drained. But on the solo, doing what I love in the way that I love it, I’m like Rza in this piece; I’m the lone wolf sans cub, wolverine on a solo mission, Biz marke without the drum machine.
And so it’s back to the known. Nose to the grindstone hardcore solitary art of geekdome transmogrified by the resources to make the tardied seem spicy. Back to the essentials, the beans and rice of it, the old school chucks with duct tape keeping them from talking, you know my steez. Of course you do because you frequent this blog on the regular, you check it daily and send up mad prayers of hate when there’s nothing new on it. You laugh at the jokes and wonder where a kid is at whenever those of the negoridal persuasion do something super fly or just questionable. No one had to explain to you what an afrogeek was because you are one, grew up with one, humped one or was humped by one. You know its an irreplaceable style and you want to taste its flavors. Well guess one, when my dome is on tight, its by beans and rice so expect more from me.
Such as Mash No for real. Download the Dj kowalasky mix and move your ass like Bobby Brown was on it…

Ok see, someone just sent me an I.M that explains my lifelong reluctance to fuck with the unwashed masses. CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW SOLDJA BOY IS NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY WhEN HE CAN’T EVEN SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT?

And if anyone writes in that he’s a young man who did all his beats on a laptop and how great that is, please also include a mailing address so I can send you a full on slap across the face. Just because he made a crappy album and put it on youtube does not make him worthy of a Grammy. Oh wait, I forgot, the Grammies sold out on talent decades ago so maybe it does. I’m pretty sure I posted my rage about “It’s hard out here for a pimp” being performed in front of poor old Sidney Poiter, not to mention being nominated for a Grammy last year, didn’t I? After that I sounded like Uncle Ruckus for a good week. I feel some anti negro sentiments coming up in me again.
My antidote for this depressing news is as follow: Watch the above video for as many times as your funny bone allows, then listen to Santogold, aka, my new reason for listening to music. This track makes me touch myself.
I’m back fam. And I have powers!